3 Ways I Reduced Maternal Shame
Shame. Shame is used as a tool of domination in many cultures. In the patriarchal culture of the United States, much of the shame is directed at women. It has great power, and that power is propagated and maintained by both men and women.
Shame is also destructive. It causes people to be so heavily weighed down that they cannot make changes that would help them or their families, and then the paralyzing shame is passed on to the next generation.
At some point, someone has to stand up and say no, I will not allow shame to have this much power over me. I will get help. I will make changes. In my family’s story, I was the one who took that step first.
Where my Shame Came From
Much of the shame I felt arose upon becoming a parent. I had post-partum depression after my first child and I did not know that I had experienced it until I saw it in the rearview when I was on the other, more healed side of that painful time. It was when my oldest was about 1 that I came to the realization that I had experienced undiagnosed post-partum depression.
Undiagnosed maternal mental illness causes a great deal of shame. Because you cannot understand or explain why life is so much harder for you, why you have such feelings of rage or resentment or sadness towards this tiny helpless being that you chose to have.
3 Steps I Took To Reduce the Power of my Maternal Shame
#1: Ask for professional help.
Find help. Defeating the shame that women carry takes teamwork. The burden of shame is so great, so heavy, that you need company on your journey to reducing the power of your shame.
Having a professional, neutral third party such as a therapist or a post-partum doula was critical to my success in decreasing the power of my shame. It helped to have a female accompaniment over a male one, at least for me.
My husband is incredibly good and kind and supportive, but he, as a white male from the dominant cultural group, the one with the power historically, could not understand the depth of my shame.
#2: Find (or start) a support group of some kind.
It does not have to be a professionally facilitated one, though those are excellent. It can be a group of women who are at a similar stage of the parenting journey as you. It needs to be a group of 5 or 6 at least, so you get enough different perspectives. The support group needs to set up some rules of engagement that make everyone in the group feel safe. If you want to read about one of the support mechanisms I found helpful click here.
#3: Write it down
One of the most effective tools for me to reduce my shame is journaling. I did a study group on The Artist’s Way and one of the practices I developed through reading that book was to write daily pages. I do not always write every day, but I write at least a few times a week. I notice when it has been too long since I last journaled. The emotions get stuck inside and lead to external short-temperedness and grumpiness and a generally negative outlook. As I write in my journal, I can feel my muscles relaxing and my breaths getting deeper. Journaling is a crucial healing practice.
